I Missed It Today....

It's been a rough week with my Julia. She's been slow to do what she needs to do and I have been quick to jump on her for the tasks she has either forgotten or refused or taken her sweet time with.

It's only Wednesday, but she has left the house crying/sobbing over something all three days. "Something" being a myriad of not doing what she was told topped off with me losing my patience and snapping at her. Oh and I have been mean. A kind of meaness that does not make me proud of myself no matter how deserving I think my meaness was.

And this morning. Worse.

A few weeks ago, all 5 of us went to Target to pick out Halloween costumes. Having not been allowed to Trick or Treat as a child, this little tradition of ours makes up for some of the fun I know I missed growing up. Choosing what fun (not scary/evil) character to dress my little babies as is so fun!

After not finding any costume and desparate to walk out of Target with something, she decided to choose real clothes from the Disney Line and be CeCe from her favorite show "Shake It Up". Case closed -and closed rather cutely....

Except CeCe has big red hair and I needed to get a big red wig.

Last night, we found an adult-sized red wig at Kroger and Julia thought it was acceptable....You know, these decisions must have the 7 yr old girl's approval.

This morning all was well. Wig was in place - kind of itchy - but we worked that out and headed to school.

We stepped one foot in when panic hit. I could feel it in her hand squeezing mine tighter and tighter as her body slowly shifted to behind mine and as her other hand slid the wig right off her head.

She pulled me to a stop, looked up at me with her round blue eyes now wide with a little girl embarrassment I quickly remembered from so many years ago...

"Mom" she whispered with her thumb in her mouth. "I don't like my costume anymore. Take the wig. I can't do it. Please, don't let anyone see it. Please, Mom."

Instead of saying, "Sweetie, you totally can rock this! You look great. You are CeCe to a tee! Your little friends are going to love it!"

I slithered. I jumped off the cliff of impatience and seethed.

"I paid $5.79 for this wig and you WILL wear it." - Just writing my hateful words chokes me. Not even for what they say, but how I said it. And how I know at that moment she was reaching for my confidence and I smacked back a cheap price tag.

Then I walked out of the school feeling her little presence standing alone in the hallway staring at my back.

It's a bad feeling messing up as a mom. But I'm not writing this to berate myself, but to remind myself of what really matters and how my sweet little Julia is little and needing me to tell her she has what it takes to "rock" whatever she sets her mind to do.

Today, I missed it. But because of today, hopefully tomorrow, I won't.

Joshy in the Middle

I'm the oldest daughter of four and Jason is the youngest of seven. I am controlling, stubborn and have a HUGE  slight tendency to be "my way or the highway." Jason is funny and easy to please. We make a great pair, us two love birds....

But what we don't quite personally understand is....The plight of the middle child - and in our little family... The Plight of Joshua.

This sweet boy is stuck between Princess Julia and Medical Wonder Seth. Julia and her budding gymnastics career and "I've been hospitalized in my almost 18 mths more than all my grandparent's combined" Seth.

So today, I've decided to dedicate a whole post (which at the rate I'm posting is pretty much 10-20% of my posts for the year) to my darling middle child Joshua and the smart, sweet, goofy kid he is.

He loves all things boy. All things farts. All things Mario. And all things family. He cries when it's not a family day. He welcomes me home each day like he hasn't seen me in years. He loves cookies and candy and will always ask for two more for Julia and Seth. He lives on popcicles and always makes sure his buddies have one or two, too. He thanks Jesus (or Je-jus) for his family and teachers everyday with a prayer that would make athiests believe. Joey Votto is his favorite athlete and he will circle the ball park and jump rows to meet Mr. Red Legs if that's what it takes. His eyes disappear when he smiles and his cheeks couldn't be more kissable. And reading this makes me tear up because I just love this boy so, so much.

I could go on and on...but want to share my favorite Joshy story of the year:

A new halloween costume magazine had just come in the mail. Josh grabbed it as we hopped in the car to go pick Julia up from school. He's in the back telling me wants to be a Transformer. No, a Power Ranger. No, Batman. No, DJ Lance. Then, it got quiet. I looked in the rearview mirror as he said, "Mommy, I don't want to be the lady with the nipples."

"Um, what did you say, sweet boy?"

"I don't want to be the lady with the nipples. Maybe you could be the lady with the nipples?"

Holy Frijoles! What kind of p*rno magazine did I just send my kid to the back of the van with?

I pull into the first parking lot I found demanding he bring that magazine to me.

He opened the page and showed me this:

I laughed for about an hour and then some. No, Joshua, you don't have to be the lady with nipples - and I don't have to feel like I screwed up majorly as a mother today....yet.

Oh how I love my middle child, Joshua. He makes me smile and so thankful God chose me to be his momma.

Heigh-Ho

So I'm back to work...and as every October rolls around, I go through this happy/sad/happy/sad/really sad/so freaking happy circus of emotions realizing that I have to leave my babies every morning...and then realizing I get to leave my babies and this year go to The Greene. My company moved while I was off and I am tha-rilled not to have to drive to downtown Dayton everyday.If you haven't been to The Greene, look it up and you will be jealous. It's gorgeous. It's restaurants. It's shopping in my favorite stores. It's Holy Moses please let me not spend my paycheck before I get home amazing.

Every time October rolls around, too, I get a little reflective. Like, I've been off for 6 months, what did I accomplish? Did I do anything meaningful? I know loving and teaching and keeping my kids alive are important things, but I did I do anything of significance? Right before I left my house today, I looked around. Yes, it was still a mess. Yes, laundry still waiting to be folded. No, I found no magic solvent to organize our mountains of toys. Yes, the basement looks like Hiroshima the day after. No, I never sat the kids around to learn the ABC Bible Verse Book I thought would make them love Jesus more. I guess, aside from the Jesus part, everything else is petty. But still, I am desparate to be purposeful during my time off, and each year feel I missed them mark, if even a little.

Anywho. I've decided to make a happy list today. A list not of the Top 10 Things I'll Miss because that might make me cry. My list today is....

Top 10 Things I Love About Working.

Today is a day I need to think positive - not of the tiny little squishy cheeks I'm missing kissing (see, I'm teary-eyed, let's move on to the happy list now).

1. My girl, Monica. She's a co-worker and friend who has my back and yet keeps it real. She tells me gently when I'm being dumb, laughs when I'm being stupid, and is always up for a cup of coffee. I love her and seeing her everyday is great.

2. Um The Greene. Enough Said.

3. My boss's giggle. I just heard it and remember how cute it is.

4. Listening to Elvis Duran's phone tap on my way to the office. I can't do that with babies in the car and they are so funny.

5. Adult conversation. I've been so deep in  PBS/Disney XD/Mario Bros. world, I have barely noticed there is an election coming up and current events outside of Curious George goes to the MET.

6. My other co-workers. I can honestly say, I like them all. They are pleasent and while not all are cut out for BFF status, I know they are good people and I enjoy getting to know them better each year.

7. A paycheck - heck yeah! A little padding in the budget is some way positive news. Especially after Seth's summer of surgeries and Julia's new love of gymnastics.

8. I love what I do. I was made to buy media. I love the negotiations, the planning, getting results, connecting customers to our franchisees, freaking out on people when things don't go right and having them fix it with 50+ bonus spots. Whatever it is, I love it all.

9. I love what I do and I love growing in what I do. Media changes and staying ahead of the curve is important. Each tax season is so different from the other and as dorky as it sounds, I love doing whatever it takes to get the job done and learning from it.

10. Working makes being off even sweeter. I get sad leaving and going. I smile leaving and going. After these 6 months are over, I dive back into staying at home with a passion. My kids get more kisses and hugs and squeezes than they know what to do with once April hits.

So here's my happy list. I'll probably need to read it a few times a week before I adjust, but it's a good thing - this working thing I do ;). Cheers!

Mother Manifesto'd

It's been one crazy week. Kid crazy. Busy. Stressfull. Tiring. Patience stripping. Just hard. Living in survival mode is taking its toll and sitting down tonight with all three gorgeous babies of mine finally asleep, it's time I write in stone/cyberspace something/anything that I can chant/pray/grasp so when I look back at these "best times of my life" I can say.... I tried... Hence, my Mother Manifesto... Drawn from my tiny perspective of the unimaginable love God has for His children in hope that I reflect even the smallest glimmer...

1. The love I have for my children is spelled S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E. I need to come to terms to the reality that I can't have it all, but what I can have, I want it for my children.

2. I want to be so consumed with raising my children that I have no time to critique how you raise yours.

3. I will parent out of confidence in God's plan for my children, not out of fear of mistakes they might make.

4. My home and heart will be safe places for them to share their dreams and worries, their victories and setbacks, their passions and hurts.

5. I will be honest with their hard questions and proactive in protecting them from truths they are not ready for.

6. I will celebrate how God made them by encouraging growth in gifts and growth in weaknesses.

7. I will not define them by their gifts nor weaknesses.

8. I will be slow to anger and give mercy freely - and teach them to do the same.

9. I will discipline to teach not to vent my frustrations or appease onlookers.

10. Love wins. No matter what we say, do, or think. My love for them is constant and unwavering.

11. I will be present in their lives everyday. Be it morning snuggles, lunch box notes, goofy dinner joking, evening walks and/or bedtime talks, my love will be shown through time spent and pure interest shown in their lives.

12. I will tickle, hug, kiss, squish, etc. all.of.the.time.

13. I will work hard to protect their hearts, provide for their creativity, and encourage their security in who they are.

14. I will screw up, but I will show them it's inevitable and show them mistakes can be opportunities to grow.

15. I will pray. Everyday. That they desire to know their Creator, that they grow from all life's experience, that learning never grows old, that they serve with thanksgiving and joy, that they love and know love like I have for them, that they see light in darkness and cling to faith in a harsh world, and that they leave this world more beautiful than when they entered...because of them, I know I will.

I know it's a little reaching and that I've probably missed some things. I know I will fail, but still, having these ridiculously high expectations hopefully will lead to higher achievements. Right?

This Time Last Year pt.1

Today, I got to see my three sweet babies wide-eyed looking at their Easter baskets. Little toys Josh said were "Awesome" and Julia claimed as "Cool" made me smile, but nothing touched me more than my sweet Seth jumping toward his little stuffed green frog tucked into his green and blue tin Easter basket.... As I remembered Easter last year...

Seth was 8 days old, not even 4 lbs, snuggled in in an isolette with a PICC line at the NICU. My parents took the big kids to church so Jason and I could visit Seth in peace (keeping a 5 and 2 yr old quiet in a hospital room is impossible). We stopped by Target on the way to the hospital to pick up something for his first Easter, but Target was closed. So we drove to Barnes & Nobles and bought him "Tiny Bear's Bible" seemingly appropriate for our tiny bear.

The hospital was very quiet as I learned it always is on Sundays. We walked in to the Special Care Nursery, washed our hands for the designated 30 sec., read our security code from my still attached hospital band to the check in lady, and walked into our sweet Seth's room. The room was always dark and peaceful minimizing stimulation. His preemie brain was still developing as he still should have been in the darkness of me for 7 more weeks at this point.

He was sleeping on his tummy with his NG tube protruding out of his small nose. Oxygen, heart rate and respiration monitors flashed "All is well" numbers above him which always was a relief. He'd been given stable reports and we knew if anything odd had happened at night, we would have been called, but still, I always held my breath a little waiting to walk in and see he stats.

I was still getting used to the fact he was born and even that he was mine. He seemed a little foreign to me. I wasn't ready for him to be here just as he wasn't ready to come out. I didn't have the time I needed or wanted to get to know his kicks, his flips, his hiccups inside me. I was scared he might need special help that I didn't know how to give. Special needs parents are heroes as are their children - I was afraid of not being hero enough to give him all he might need. I felt guilty of doing something to cause this. Did I do too much or not enough? Did I eat too much salt? How stupid could I be to think my blurry vision the day before I went to my dr. appointment was just allergies? Would going in any sooner changed anything? All of that moot, because it was what it was, but the feelings and thoughts were there, overwhelming at times and I kept them to myself convinced if I cracked even a little I'd never get "it" back together...

Along with this fear was an over-powering love. I touched him, held him, stared at him in wonder of his precious life. A life I thought I lost 7 months earlier and now a life that could have quickly been lost to my sickness. He was small and perfect and mine. The fact that he needed more than I could give at the time was strange, but the love I felt was matched with the peace I had knowing he was in God's hands.

While the nurses and doctors did a wonderful job making me feel part of his care, the reality was that I was only there a few hours a day - most of it spent sitting in a rocker looking at him - holding him every chance I could - and every three hours watching someone else change him, feed him via tube and take his temp. Gradually, this changed, but just a week into his life, there were necessary, but emotionally hard measures we had to take to help get him get strong enough to come home.

I'm pretty sure every Easter will be marked with thoughts of Seth's time at the hospital, as this experience is another reminder of God's goodness in my life. As I watch him grow, I am so overwhelmed with gratefulness for his life and excited for all God has in store for him.

10 Weird and Not So Weird Things that Make Me Smile

I have no idea why this random post is being written, except for the fact I was driving on the highway today and started thinking about it....

1. Q-tips. I can barely pass my linen closet without grabbing (or contemplating grabbing) one or two to attack my kid's ears with. Josh and Seth make having kids with clean ears very difficult, so I really need and love Q-tips.

2. Going into the restroom at work and the toilet lid is up. This does NOT mean a male whose mother forgot to teach him manners and how to read has been in there. It means I'm the first one to enter after it's been cleaned. This really makes me happy.

3. Elvis Duran's phone taps. After a crazy morning begging Julia to get dressed, brush her hair, get into the car with her shoes on and without making Josh cry, hearing someone else hit the wall bc some crap has hit the fan makes me smile - and most of the time laugh out loud.

4. The big ass run back of a defensive lineman scoring a touch down. Their burly bodies huffing down the sideline while tiny little receivers bounce off them like pin balls makes my day and makes me miss football season.

5. Forgetting then remembering it's Friday and/or Pay Day!

6. Little old men holding the hand of his little old lady.

7. Josh running to the door as I'm leaving for one more hug and kiss

8. Julia reading to Josh - or anything with Josh that doesn't end with either of them crying or calling each other "butt cheeks" (the new insult of the month at our house - ugh.)

9. Seth making his "MmmmmmmMmmmmm" sounds while eating

10. Other people's pets...because they are not my pets.

So random, but true....

I have NEVER...

I saw a list like this on a blog today and thought it might be fun...except the whole time I felt sorry for this lady...so don't feel bad for me, unless doing so makes you want to fund a much-needed vacation to Cali!

I have NEVER been stung by a bee

I have NEVER ridden in a Limo

I have NEVER been tail-gating

I have NEVER been scuba diving

I have NEVER smoked/seen drugs

I have NEVER been drunk (I'm too much of a control freak)

I have NEVER been to California (the only one in my family)

I have NEVER made home made soup

I have NEVER grilled on a grill

I have NEVER watched Family Guy (hopefully never will)

I have NEVER water-skiid

I have NEVER been to NYC

I have NEVER lived alone

I have NEVER eaten at Melting Pot (my sisters don't believe it, but it's true)

I have NEVER spent more than a night away from my kids (except when having a kid)

I have NEVER liked meatloaf (my aunt ruined it forever years ago)

I have NEVER had a nose ring (but kind of want one)

I have NEVER seen the Godfathers, Tombstone, Rambo, or Vision Quest

I have NEVER changed the weight on my driver's license (and NEVER will :)

I have NEVER said the eff word (after so many years of not saying it, it seems a shame to start now)

I have NEVER seen a Panda Bear (and really want to for some reason)

I have NEVER broken a bone

I have NEVER sold plasma

I have NEVER eaten tofu

That's all I can think of at the moment. Just kind of fun to do :)