Heigh-Ho

So I'm back to work...and as every October rolls around, I go through this happy/sad/happy/sad/really sad/so freaking happy circus of emotions realizing that I have to leave my babies every morning...and then realizing I get to leave my babies and this year go to The Greene. My company moved while I was off and I am tha-rilled not to have to drive to downtown Dayton everyday.If you haven't been to The Greene, look it up and you will be jealous. It's gorgeous. It's restaurants. It's shopping in my favorite stores. It's Holy Moses please let me not spend my paycheck before I get home amazing.

Every time October rolls around, too, I get a little reflective. Like, I've been off for 6 months, what did I accomplish? Did I do anything meaningful? I know loving and teaching and keeping my kids alive are important things, but I did I do anything of significance? Right before I left my house today, I looked around. Yes, it was still a mess. Yes, laundry still waiting to be folded. No, I found no magic solvent to organize our mountains of toys. Yes, the basement looks like Hiroshima the day after. No, I never sat the kids around to learn the ABC Bible Verse Book I thought would make them love Jesus more. I guess, aside from the Jesus part, everything else is petty. But still, I am desparate to be purposeful during my time off, and each year feel I missed them mark, if even a little.

Anywho. I've decided to make a happy list today. A list not of the Top 10 Things I'll Miss because that might make me cry. My list today is....

Top 10 Things I Love About Working.

Today is a day I need to think positive - not of the tiny little squishy cheeks I'm missing kissing (see, I'm teary-eyed, let's move on to the happy list now).

1. My girl, Monica. She's a co-worker and friend who has my back and yet keeps it real. She tells me gently when I'm being dumb, laughs when I'm being stupid, and is always up for a cup of coffee. I love her and seeing her everyday is great.

2. Um The Greene. Enough Said.

3. My boss's giggle. I just heard it and remember how cute it is.

4. Listening to Elvis Duran's phone tap on my way to the office. I can't do that with babies in the car and they are so funny.

5. Adult conversation. I've been so deep in  PBS/Disney XD/Mario Bros. world, I have barely noticed there is an election coming up and current events outside of Curious George goes to the MET.

6. My other co-workers. I can honestly say, I like them all. They are pleasent and while not all are cut out for BFF status, I know they are good people and I enjoy getting to know them better each year.

7. A paycheck - heck yeah! A little padding in the budget is some way positive news. Especially after Seth's summer of surgeries and Julia's new love of gymnastics.

8. I love what I do. I was made to buy media. I love the negotiations, the planning, getting results, connecting customers to our franchisees, freaking out on people when things don't go right and having them fix it with 50+ bonus spots. Whatever it is, I love it all.

9. I love what I do and I love growing in what I do. Media changes and staying ahead of the curve is important. Each tax season is so different from the other and as dorky as it sounds, I love doing whatever it takes to get the job done and learning from it.

10. Working makes being off even sweeter. I get sad leaving and going. I smile leaving and going. After these 6 months are over, I dive back into staying at home with a passion. My kids get more kisses and hugs and squeezes than they know what to do with once April hits.

So here's my happy list. I'll probably need to read it a few times a week before I adjust, but it's a good thing - this working thing I do ;). Cheers!

Mother Manifesto'd

It's been one crazy week. Kid crazy. Busy. Stressfull. Tiring. Patience stripping. Just hard. Living in survival mode is taking its toll and sitting down tonight with all three gorgeous babies of mine finally asleep, it's time I write in stone/cyberspace something/anything that I can chant/pray/grasp so when I look back at these "best times of my life" I can say.... I tried... Hence, my Mother Manifesto... Drawn from my tiny perspective of the unimaginable love God has for His children in hope that I reflect even the smallest glimmer...

1. The love I have for my children is spelled S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E. I need to come to terms to the reality that I can't have it all, but what I can have, I want it for my children.

2. I want to be so consumed with raising my children that I have no time to critique how you raise yours.

3. I will parent out of confidence in God's plan for my children, not out of fear of mistakes they might make.

4. My home and heart will be safe places for them to share their dreams and worries, their victories and setbacks, their passions and hurts.

5. I will be honest with their hard questions and proactive in protecting them from truths they are not ready for.

6. I will celebrate how God made them by encouraging growth in gifts and growth in weaknesses.

7. I will not define them by their gifts nor weaknesses.

8. I will be slow to anger and give mercy freely - and teach them to do the same.

9. I will discipline to teach not to vent my frustrations or appease onlookers.

10. Love wins. No matter what we say, do, or think. My love for them is constant and unwavering.

11. I will be present in their lives everyday. Be it morning snuggles, lunch box notes, goofy dinner joking, evening walks and/or bedtime talks, my love will be shown through time spent and pure interest shown in their lives.

12. I will tickle, hug, kiss, squish, etc. all.of.the.time.

13. I will work hard to protect their hearts, provide for their creativity, and encourage their security in who they are.

14. I will screw up, but I will show them it's inevitable and show them mistakes can be opportunities to grow.

15. I will pray. Everyday. That they desire to know their Creator, that they grow from all life's experience, that learning never grows old, that they serve with thanksgiving and joy, that they love and know love like I have for them, that they see light in darkness and cling to faith in a harsh world, and that they leave this world more beautiful than when they entered...because of them, I know I will.

I know it's a little reaching and that I've probably missed some things. I know I will fail, but still, having these ridiculously high expectations hopefully will lead to higher achievements. Right?

This Time Last Year pt.1

Today, I got to see my three sweet babies wide-eyed looking at their Easter baskets. Little toys Josh said were "Awesome" and Julia claimed as "Cool" made me smile, but nothing touched me more than my sweet Seth jumping toward his little stuffed green frog tucked into his green and blue tin Easter basket.... As I remembered Easter last year...

Seth was 8 days old, not even 4 lbs, snuggled in in an isolette with a PICC line at the NICU. My parents took the big kids to church so Jason and I could visit Seth in peace (keeping a 5 and 2 yr old quiet in a hospital room is impossible). We stopped by Target on the way to the hospital to pick up something for his first Easter, but Target was closed. So we drove to Barnes & Nobles and bought him "Tiny Bear's Bible" seemingly appropriate for our tiny bear.

The hospital was very quiet as I learned it always is on Sundays. We walked in to the Special Care Nursery, washed our hands for the designated 30 sec., read our security code from my still attached hospital band to the check in lady, and walked into our sweet Seth's room. The room was always dark and peaceful minimizing stimulation. His preemie brain was still developing as he still should have been in the darkness of me for 7 more weeks at this point.

He was sleeping on his tummy with his NG tube protruding out of his small nose. Oxygen, heart rate and respiration monitors flashed "All is well" numbers above him which always was a relief. He'd been given stable reports and we knew if anything odd had happened at night, we would have been called, but still, I always held my breath a little waiting to walk in and see he stats.

I was still getting used to the fact he was born and even that he was mine. He seemed a little foreign to me. I wasn't ready for him to be here just as he wasn't ready to come out. I didn't have the time I needed or wanted to get to know his kicks, his flips, his hiccups inside me. I was scared he might need special help that I didn't know how to give. Special needs parents are heroes as are their children - I was afraid of not being hero enough to give him all he might need. I felt guilty of doing something to cause this. Did I do too much or not enough? Did I eat too much salt? How stupid could I be to think my blurry vision the day before I went to my dr. appointment was just allergies? Would going in any sooner changed anything? All of that moot, because it was what it was, but the feelings and thoughts were there, overwhelming at times and I kept them to myself convinced if I cracked even a little I'd never get "it" back together...

Along with this fear was an over-powering love. I touched him, held him, stared at him in wonder of his precious life. A life I thought I lost 7 months earlier and now a life that could have quickly been lost to my sickness. He was small and perfect and mine. The fact that he needed more than I could give at the time was strange, but the love I felt was matched with the peace I had knowing he was in God's hands.

While the nurses and doctors did a wonderful job making me feel part of his care, the reality was that I was only there a few hours a day - most of it spent sitting in a rocker looking at him - holding him every chance I could - and every three hours watching someone else change him, feed him via tube and take his temp. Gradually, this changed, but just a week into his life, there were necessary, but emotionally hard measures we had to take to help get him get strong enough to come home.

I'm pretty sure every Easter will be marked with thoughts of Seth's time at the hospital, as this experience is another reminder of God's goodness in my life. As I watch him grow, I am so overwhelmed with gratefulness for his life and excited for all God has in store for him.

10 Weird and Not So Weird Things that Make Me Smile

I have no idea why this random post is being written, except for the fact I was driving on the highway today and started thinking about it....

1. Q-tips. I can barely pass my linen closet without grabbing (or contemplating grabbing) one or two to attack my kid's ears with. Josh and Seth make having kids with clean ears very difficult, so I really need and love Q-tips.

2. Going into the restroom at work and the toilet lid is up. This does NOT mean a male whose mother forgot to teach him manners and how to read has been in there. It means I'm the first one to enter after it's been cleaned. This really makes me happy.

3. Elvis Duran's phone taps. After a crazy morning begging Julia to get dressed, brush her hair, get into the car with her shoes on and without making Josh cry, hearing someone else hit the wall bc some crap has hit the fan makes me smile - and most of the time laugh out loud.

4. The big ass run back of a defensive lineman scoring a touch down. Their burly bodies huffing down the sideline while tiny little receivers bounce off them like pin balls makes my day and makes me miss football season.

5. Forgetting then remembering it's Friday and/or Pay Day!

6. Little old men holding the hand of his little old lady.

7. Josh running to the door as I'm leaving for one more hug and kiss

8. Julia reading to Josh - or anything with Josh that doesn't end with either of them crying or calling each other "butt cheeks" (the new insult of the month at our house - ugh.)

9. Seth making his "MmmmmmmMmmmmm" sounds while eating

10. Other people's pets...because they are not my pets.

So random, but true....

I have NEVER...

I saw a list like this on a blog today and thought it might be fun...except the whole time I felt sorry for this lady...so don't feel bad for me, unless doing so makes you want to fund a much-needed vacation to Cali!

I have NEVER been stung by a bee

I have NEVER ridden in a Limo

I have NEVER been tail-gating

I have NEVER been scuba diving

I have NEVER smoked/seen drugs

I have NEVER been drunk (I'm too much of a control freak)

I have NEVER been to California (the only one in my family)

I have NEVER made home made soup

I have NEVER grilled on a grill

I have NEVER watched Family Guy (hopefully never will)

I have NEVER water-skiid

I have NEVER been to NYC

I have NEVER lived alone

I have NEVER eaten at Melting Pot (my sisters don't believe it, but it's true)

I have NEVER spent more than a night away from my kids (except when having a kid)

I have NEVER liked meatloaf (my aunt ruined it forever years ago)

I have NEVER had a nose ring (but kind of want one)

I have NEVER seen the Godfathers, Tombstone, Rambo, or Vision Quest

I have NEVER changed the weight on my driver's license (and NEVER will :)

I have NEVER said the eff word (after so many years of not saying it, it seems a shame to start now)

I have NEVER seen a Panda Bear (and really want to for some reason)

I have NEVER broken a bone

I have NEVER sold plasma

I have NEVER eaten tofu

That's all I can think of at the moment. Just kind of fun to do :)

The 12 Months of '11

Just a little recap of the crazy year we just had...

Jan - We had found out Baby E #3 was a boy and could not for love or money come up with a name. I was working full-time. Julia was having fun in Kindergarten. Josh was being his sweet self and Jason was venturing into a new career.

Feb - Jason spent a week in St. Louis while I realized the unbelievably exhausting plight of a single mom. I took the kids to the Newport Aquarium by my pregnant self while he was gone. We had so much fun! (but I will never ever do that alone again)

March - March ended with me being done with work just in time to hang out with Julia for her spring break - and Josh, too, of course. We loved waking up with nothing to do, as I was changing gears from working mom of 2 to stay at home mom of 3 - with 11 weeks before Mr. Baby was due.

April - Oh geez, where do I start? Those 11 weeks I thought I had before Mr. Baby would come turned out to be 3 weeks. On April 16 at 1:42pm, Mr. Seth Freeman Ennis was born weighing 3lbs 8.6oz and 16 inches long. He was tiny, yet perfect. The last half of April was spent at the Special Care Nursery loving on this little gift, watching him grow and waiting for the ok that he was ready to come home.

May - Our daily trip(s) to visit Seth came to an end on May 12 - when he was finally discharged. I remember dressing him in his tiny blue preemie outfit, placing him in a car seat that swallowed him up in its straps, saying good-bye to the precious nurses, and heading for home with a smile no one could smack off of me. Later in the month, Jason turned 37 and Julia had a pink hawaiian party for her 6th birthday.

June - Kids went to VBS while I claimed maternity leave for not teaching. :) Loved having a few hours a day to get things done or just cuddle quietly with Baby Seth. Josh turned 3 and had a Spiderman party and Jason and I celebrated 11 yrs of marriage by going out for dinner and shopping.

July - My youngest sister Grace married "Uncle Phil" on July 1st. We had so much fun at the wedding - loved having all of our family together.

Aug - Lots of lazy days enjoying summer. We did King's Island and the Zoo...Swam at Grandpa and Grandma Ennis', Story time at Church...and then Julia started 1st grade.

Sept - After Julia started 1st grade, Joshua started pre-school. He LOVES Miss Liza and all of his friends there.

Oct - I started back to work full-time missing the kids so much I could hardly breathe. I love what I do, who I work with and who I work for, but nothing is better than getting to be Mom all day every day. I'm counting down to the time I get to be 100% Mom again in March. On a sad note, though, I lost my cousin Steve Oct 8...He was one of my best friends growing up and I was so honored to be able to share some of our memories at his funeral service. I hope he knew how special he was...He is missed by so many....

Nov - I turned 32 and am pretty cool with this age. I don't feel young/naive, but I don't feel old/feeble. I can work with this. Over Thanksgiving, the entire Estepp family spent a week on a beach in Florida. Such a wonderful gift to have everyone together. Jason and I took our kids for a day at Magic Kingdom...and it was just that - Magic. Julia and Joshua had a ball seeing their favorite characters and riding the rides. My cousin Krissy and her daughter Peyton joined us, too. Definitely a day we will not forget...Can't wait to go again!

Dec - Busy. Busy. Busy. Julia sang in our churches children's choir, Joshua was still his sweet self - but not wanting to sleep in his own bed, Seth got his first ear infection and Christmas. We woke up early to see what Santa brought, had brunch at Nanna/Poppa's, snacks at Jason's parents and then dinner at my Uncle Steve's. The day is jam packed - exhausting - but wonderful. I can't imagine spending it any other way.

Here's to 2012! After all of the highs and lows of 2011...I'm ready for a new year with new beginnings, aren't you?

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I learned sweet Seth was on his way...again...

I think about that phone call from the nurse a lot, maybe too much, to be honest - but having your child "come back to life" in a sense is truly something that surpasses my wildest imaginations.

From finding out Seth was coming to the nurse's mistake saying he wasn't to the call 5 days later saying my HCG numbers looked great to pain in my side symptomatic of an ectopic pregnancy to having an ultrasound reveal no tubal pregnancy, but perhaps now a molar pregnancy...

To receiving another call that things were fine.....To his rather dramatic birth....

My darling Seth has taught me a lot about trusting God...

While I was pregnant with him, I posted Proverbs 3:5-6 above my computer.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

I must have read this a million times - constantly giving my fears to Him and NOT relying on anything I thought I understood. I learned never to be so arrogant to think I know what God's plans are, but to be thankful that even when things don't seem o.k. - Trusting God completely allows me the freedom to know it's o.k.

We chose Seth's name because it means "Appointed." I thought it was appropriate for a little boy meant to be here as part of our family. I remember reminding God as I prayed while being wheeled in to the OR that my little boy was appointed and begged God to let my tiny baby to be born crying....and he was :) ...I took that powerful baby cry as a gift of certainty that Seth was completely in God's hands. I relied on this gift throughout his stay at the hospital...and even today.

So after this roller coaster of a year, I am very grateful that we are on the other side of it....The 5 of us together knowing we are more than o.k....moreso, we are having the time of our life!