Wrestling with the Finish Line

I guess that's what you call it, though that finish line really just means the start of another journey, phase, segment of life that has a finish line of it's own leading to another beginning....

And the sadness crossing this particular finish line is new to me. So much of my life has been looking forward to the next phase.

Did I miss Jr. High when I was in High School? Heck NO!

Did I miss High School while in college? HELLZ NO! (sorry Mom)

Did I miss being single being a newly wed? H to the ELL NO... again.

But here I am, having spent the last 10+ years either wanting to grow or growing our family, nursing and diapering, planning and hoping...and then starting over again times 3 - and my heart cannot fathom the reality of the end of this growing season nor can my mind and body fathom growing more.

So many of my friends talk about having their last baby and just knowing they were done. Not a question in their mind not an inkling of doubt. They or their husbands took the step to make it permanent and now all are happily enjoying the "raising their children" phase by going to movies sans diaper bags and with their kids even, play dates that don't revolve around nap times and feedings, and they vacation without pack n plays. Hasten that day!

I'm looking around at my family room knee deep in toys they love and I loathe while watching my 8th episode of Bubble Guppies. So much of me and us are soooo over carting around baby hoopla and are ready to take on new big kid adventures.

That "raising phase" sounds dreamy to me. You, too, right?

But then the "more the merrier I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES Rachel" kicks in. I do. My worst day with my children is 100x's better than my best day any where else. They are funny and they are stinkers and they teach me more about God and myself than 30 years worth of sermons. Every reason not to make more of these delightful creatures seems so shallow when considering the incredible joy they each bring to our family and, I 100% believe, the world. Yeah, I know they are expensive - but they are priceless. I know I lose sleep and energy, but snuggling them and playing their goofy games is worth every second spent. They are so messy! But isn't life?

So I suppose, after writing this all out (which has been very therapeutic BTW), we may be here - or I think we should be here: If God decides to ambush (and I mean shock and awe ambush) us with more, I know we'd be thrilled - scared, exhausted, broke - but thrilled. Then, if He doesn't....We are so grateful for the gifts He's given and for vacations without 250lbs of baby gear.....