Wrestling with the Finish Line

I guess that's what you call it, though that finish line really just means the start of another journey, phase, segment of life that has a finish line of it's own leading to another beginning....

And the sadness crossing this particular finish line is new to me. So much of my life has been looking forward to the next phase.

Did I miss Jr. High when I was in High School? Heck NO!

Did I miss High School while in college? HELLZ NO! (sorry Mom)

Did I miss being single being a newly wed? H to the ELL NO... again.

But here I am, having spent the last 10+ years either wanting to grow or growing our family, nursing and diapering, planning and hoping...and then starting over again times 3 - and my heart cannot fathom the reality of the end of this growing season nor can my mind and body fathom growing more.

So many of my friends talk about having their last baby and just knowing they were done. Not a question in their mind not an inkling of doubt. They or their husbands took the step to make it permanent and now all are happily enjoying the "raising their children" phase by going to movies sans diaper bags and with their kids even, play dates that don't revolve around nap times and feedings, and they vacation without pack n plays. Hasten that day!

I'm looking around at my family room knee deep in toys they love and I loathe while watching my 8th episode of Bubble Guppies. So much of me and us are soooo over carting around baby hoopla and are ready to take on new big kid adventures.

That "raising phase" sounds dreamy to me. You, too, right?

But then the "more the merrier I FREAKING LOVE MY BABIES Rachel" kicks in. I do. My worst day with my children is 100x's better than my best day any where else. They are funny and they are stinkers and they teach me more about God and myself than 30 years worth of sermons. Every reason not to make more of these delightful creatures seems so shallow when considering the incredible joy they each bring to our family and, I 100% believe, the world. Yeah, I know they are expensive - but they are priceless. I know I lose sleep and energy, but snuggling them and playing their goofy games is worth every second spent. They are so messy! But isn't life?

So I suppose, after writing this all out (which has been very therapeutic BTW), we may be here - or I think we should be here: If God decides to ambush (and I mean shock and awe ambush) us with more, I know we'd be thrilled - scared, exhausted, broke - but thrilled. Then, if He doesn't....We are so grateful for the gifts He's given and for vacations without 250lbs of baby gear.....

That Tomorrow Needed Me

Telling Julia, "Girl, you will rock this!" came.... The very next day....

The day after I jumped off the cliff of impatience, my girl (along with all the kids in her little, but amazing school) was sent home with a letter telling the parents that Mrs. P (Julia's teacher) was resigning. Rather abruptly resigning, at that.

I won't go into all the details being I don't really know all the details, but regardless of why, Mrs. P's departure devestated Julia. We told her gently and cheered that a new teacher was ready to take over on Monday and everything was going to be great!

"Julia, you will rock this! This new teacher will love you!"

Ah, the weight of guilt from the day before being lifted ever so slightly and ever so healing... Such is the timing of God, I believe.....

Still, there were tears.... a lot of tears... a lot of "whys?"..... a lot of sniffles....

But there were hugs and cuddles and this momma telling her girl that changes are great adventures and can totally be God's blessings in disguise if you let them. I met her doubts with confidence, no cheapening of her feelings nor writing off her insecurities.

The next morning brought more of the same. Crying. Pouting. Vowing never to return. Etc. Etc. I even wrote her school prinicpal warning her that my darling Julia might need a little more love and time to embrace this shake to her universe....

I know big picture-wise, she'll be fine. I know when I see her today, she'll tell me how her new teacher is freaking awesome (tho I tell her not to say freaking). I'm sure she won't even remember me being a complete jerk one day and diving into redemption the next.... But I will. I'll be thankful I screwed up the costume scene to be ready for the next little girl crisis that evolved.

It's a good feeling...being ready as a mom...if even just once. :)