World Prematurity Day, November 17, 2012

Nineteen months ago, I'm pretty sure I related the word "preemie" mostly to Cabbage Patch Babies and I associated the March of Dimes with helping at-risk mothers get off drugs and alcohol - having no idea the roller coaster of a birth experience I was in for....and how uninformed I really was....

My sweet baby Seth was a miracle from the beginning. Since those two pink lines on the pregnancy test appeared, I had to force myself daily give my fears to God and believe that the life inside me was in His hands.

When he was born via c-section at 32 weeks due to my diagnosis of severe pre-eclampsia and weighing only 3 lbs. 8 oz., I was convinced he would never be "normal" and in my drug induced physical/mental state, I was convinced I was never going to be able to be the mom he needed me to be. My family read so many congratulations coming in from Facebook and I honestly was so confused as to why people were congratulating me. I was scared and swollen. I hurt. I couldn't lift my head to see, let alone stretch out my hand to touch, my tiny newborn baby. Who celebrates that?

What I didn't know at the time that I truly believe would have relieved at least some of my fears, was the amazing work March of Dimes had been doing for years to not only prevent pre-maturity, but also to develop life-saving and quality of life-enhancing protocols that touch virtually every baby born in the United States. They are so much more than working to prevent birth defects....so much more.

They have dedicated a website to connect parents who are going through life in the NICU - a site I wish I had known about during Seth's 26 days in the NICU and a site I try to promote whenever I can. It was such a lonely time for me emotionally. I have an amazing family who was there for us the entire time. My parents even took our kids on their anniversary trip to Charleston, SC so Jason and I could be with Seth more while I was healing. Still, having no one to relate to was hard. I didn't know my fears were normal. I didn't know what questions to ask or even what to google (ha!). Since finding this site, I've made it a point to check in regularly to reach out to anyone who shares that their baby is still in the hospital. I want everyone to know that they are not alone and that amazing people they will never know are working around the clock to help their babies come home as healthy as possible.

Those of you who know our Seth, know how thankful we are that at almost 19 months old, he has caught up to his actual age in all areas. It's a gift we will never take for granted. His broad smile like his daddy's and bright blue Estepp-side eyes shine joy and love in my life everyday - and most nights, too! (Please sleep soon, baby boy!)

Tomorrow is World Prematurity Day. I'm celebrating by holding my sweet Seth a little tighter, if he'll sit still long enough, and by saying a prayer for families and babies everywhere who are walking the path my family walked - that they will be blessed with good health, strength and support.

Maybe I Should Change....

.... the title of my blog to "The Julia Saga."

((and I'm really hoping that and laughing prematurely if anyone thinks my title was a political **thing**))

My family, friends, and random acquaintances all know I'm conservative. I value limited govenment, fiscally and socially. I believe in a place where the beauty of giving is giving unforced. I put a lot of weight in hard work being rewarded and hand outs being temporary help, not a lifestyle to settle for. :)

Julia.... This girl just wants to win. She digs her heals in whatever issue is at hand and could be one of the worst winners and sorest losers I have ever encountered.

So, this morning, the thought of telling her the outcome of the Presidential election kind of made me shudder. We had been to see Mitt Romney when he came to our town. She held up his signs. Wore his button proudly and boo'd the name of Obama any chance she got (except when around my family knowing their die-hard Romney-ness, she loved sparking a debate).

She went with me to vote and then stayed up last night as long as her tired eyes would let her...waiting to see if Romney she won.

I walked into her room about 6:30am. I saw her lying in the dark, eyes wide open and sucking her thumb.

"Mitt Romney lost, didn't he?" first words out of her mouth staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah....but how did you know?"

"I could feel it. I just knew...But the Purple and Blue Unicorns won at school yesterday, so it's ok. I still win."

Talk about anti-climatic. But I'll take anti-climatic over its antonym anyday with this girl. Ha!

That Tomorrow Needed Me

Telling Julia, "Girl, you will rock this!" came.... The very next day....

The day after I jumped off the cliff of impatience, my girl (along with all the kids in her little, but amazing school) was sent home with a letter telling the parents that Mrs. P (Julia's teacher) was resigning. Rather abruptly resigning, at that.

I won't go into all the details being I don't really know all the details, but regardless of why, Mrs. P's departure devestated Julia. We told her gently and cheered that a new teacher was ready to take over on Monday and everything was going to be great!

"Julia, you will rock this! This new teacher will love you!"

Ah, the weight of guilt from the day before being lifted ever so slightly and ever so healing... Such is the timing of God, I believe.....

Still, there were tears.... a lot of tears... a lot of "whys?"..... a lot of sniffles....

But there were hugs and cuddles and this momma telling her girl that changes are great adventures and can totally be God's blessings in disguise if you let them. I met her doubts with confidence, no cheapening of her feelings nor writing off her insecurities.

The next morning brought more of the same. Crying. Pouting. Vowing never to return. Etc. Etc. I even wrote her school prinicpal warning her that my darling Julia might need a little more love and time to embrace this shake to her universe....

I know big picture-wise, she'll be fine. I know when I see her today, she'll tell me how her new teacher is freaking awesome (tho I tell her not to say freaking). I'm sure she won't even remember me being a complete jerk one day and diving into redemption the next.... But I will. I'll be thankful I screwed up the costume scene to be ready for the next little girl crisis that evolved.

It's a good feeling...being ready as a mom...if even just once. :)